1. When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions.
One Day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher:”
Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation for example the letter H’ in Hour, Honest, Honor, e.t.c ?
Ms. Doris: “We are not ignoring them; they are considered silent.”
(I was even more confused)
During the lunch break, MS. Doris gave me her packed
lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria.
I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris: “What happened, I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?”
Me: — “Madam I thought ‘H’ was silent”
2. Spiritual problem is when you trek 10km to work just to get there and realize that you forgot the office key at home. So you managed to trek back home leaving your heavy bag at the office doorstep…
On getting home, you realized that your house key is in the bag you left at the Office Doorstep… You got upset but had no choice, so you trekked back the office again, picked up your bag angrily, and trekked your way back home again, on getting home, you dipped your hand in your bag, only to realize that the office key was in your bag…
Now you sit on the floor shouting
3. Sleeping Naked in my country is very risky if you are a man, Rats may circumcise you.
4. I went to visit my friend’s sick great grandpa. He was lying in a
hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he
kept repeating “Ni zhan Sai wo de yangqì guan shang”
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I
translated his last words, and they were “You’re standing on my oxygen
6. A person who had borrowed a glass jar from a neighbor had broken it,
and on being asked to return it, answered, “In the first place, I have
already returned it to you; in the second place, I never borrowed it
from you; and in the third place, it was already broken when you gave
it to me.”
Have you seen people who argue like this?
7. Only broke married men remove wedding ring to cheat.
If you are rich even your wedding ring turn girls on
8. I said “No” to a girl asking me to be her boyfriend, because my mind
is telling me she just wanna sleep with me and run away
9. Pregnancy is a clear indication that women can’t keep secrets
10. If I offend you and you’re MAD at me and I apologized and you’re still
MAD at me then it’s not my fault you are just naturally a MAD person
11. If you are on FACEBOOK chatting and suddenly your phone fell to the
Ground just know that One fat Girl Liked your picture
12. Every woman is a wife material when she meets the right tailor
13. No disgrace is worse than an invigilator standing at your back in exam
hall and saying that “Some people are writing nonsense”.
14. I was shocked when I heard a fat girl singing” I believe I can fly” my
dear that is a mission impossible, have you ever seen an elephant fly
15. If your man is cheating on you don’t argue with him my sister
because you will not win Just Save yourself from High blood pressure.
Just change all the names of the girls on his phone, do not delete the
numbers just mix them. Replace Natasha with Lisa, Nikki with
Grace and so on and on. wait the moment he’s gonna call or message(SMS)
them one by one. Make yourself a cup of coffee and relax. you’ll
thank me later
16. Real men don’t kneel down to propose, they impregnate you and let you decide whether you will marry them or not.
17. Diarrhea is like WiFi when you approach the toilet,the signal become stronger and even before you unbutton the trouser the download is complete.
18. Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 3 it should default to unstable
19. Africans, the way we are jealous of each other, even if you show up in a helicopter, someone will say, “But its not the latest one”
20. Self Sacrifice is when two witches from your Village are discussing who’s going to be their next victim…Then you pass by singing “I’m the one” by DJ Khaled’. You are finished Rest In Peace.
21. When you get dumped before spring. Is called spring cleaning.
22. The way you skip my posts even when they make sense is the same way they skip your application even when you qualify
23. Beat an African child, console him with a biscuit and ask him, ” who beat you?” He will point at another person. That is how corruption started in Africa.
24. Someone told me that his dad bought an android car..I told him our swimming pool got burnt..Then he blocked me..what for? I thought it was a lying competition.
25. A teacher once entered his class and said if u know u are stupid stand up, the whole class sat quietly and later a boy stood up, the teacher then asked, so u are the stupid boy right? The boy answered No! I just don’t want U to be the only stupid person standing
26. A man bought an egg from a shop. when he got home to prepare the egg, it was empty. He took it back to the shop and complained. The shop keeper broke the eggs and all were empty then they took the complain to the poultry farm. When they got to the farm, the fowls saw them and started laughing. LOOK AT THIS STUPID PEOPLE, THEY DON’T KNOW WE HAVE STARTED USING CONDOM….
Don’t laugh alone
27. A man bought an egg from a shop. when he got home to prepare the egg, it was empty. He took it back to the shop and complained. The shop keeper broke the eggs and all were empty then they took the complain to the poultry farm. When they got to the farm, the fowls saw them and started laughing. LOOK AT THIS STUPID PEOPLE, THEY DON’T KNOW WE HAVE STARTED USING CONDOM….
28 .Married lawyer made love to his girlfriend inside his car one day.
The girl enjoyed it so much that she forgot her pant. On getting home, his wife saw the girls pant in the car.
She got mad and tore it into pieces screaming. Honey! Honey!! Honey!!! What’s this?
The lawyer calmly replied. My God, you’ve just destroyed evidence of a rape case worth millions of pounds. She quickly fell on her knees apologizing. Honey please forgive me, God will bring another one!“`*
29. A psychiatrist wanted to know how many of his
patients have been cured of madness, so he
assembled them in a classroom and drew a big car on the board.
He then told the class that if anyone could push the car on the board, that person would receive a gift of N20,000 and would be free to go home.
On hearing this, they all rushed to the board to
push the car except one young Man Benjamin who remained on his seat.
He sat at the back smiling. The psychiatrist with joy and excitement on his face seeing that somebody has been cured of madness went to him and asked, “You, why didn’t you join your mates to push the car”?
He replied “don’t mind those mad people, they are just fooling themselves . . . Hahaha, they don’t know that the car key is in my pocket.
30. *”Dating so Many Girls is just a way of
Confusing the Devil from Attacking your main
*But ladies will never Understand This
31. During the shooting of a movie.
DIRECTOR: Now we are going to release the lion and it will chase you. But don’t worry it won’t bite you.
JOHN: How sure are you?
DIRECTOR: It is written in the script.
JOHN: Has the lion read the script?
32. A prostitute asked a doctor to make another hole near her ass. The doctor was surprised and asked her why? She answered, ” business is going well, I wanna open another branch “.. Hmmm, English is something else. I told a lady my dad is a FARMER, he has a plantain plantation and she also told me her uncle is a farmer, he has a cassava cassavation, yam yamation and maize maization…
I’m still looking at her face since yesterday, What should I tell her?
33.*_A girl missed her period 2 months ago, her mom took her to the clinic for pregnancy test of which it was positive. Embarrased, her mom said; who is the useless pig that got you pregnant? The girl picked up her phone and made a call, an hour later, a young handsome man drove in Ferrari to the girl’s house. Good evening, the man greeted. Your daughter told me the problem in the house. I can’t marry for now because of my family issue, but I promise I will take care of her for the rest of her life, and if she gives birth to a girl, I promised to buy her a mansion, 2 jeeps and 1 million dollars. If it’s a boy, I’ll buy her houses in a country side, 5 jeeps, 2 big factories and 5million dollars in her account. If it’s twins, I’ll do anything she asked. But if there’s miscarriage, what do you suggest i do? The girls father silently pat the young man on his shoulder and said; my son, if there is miscarriage, you’ll sleep with her again.
34. I saw my Maths teacher yesterday. we greeted each other he ask for directions to Stanbic bank, I told him to make 360° angle turn and walk about 1.56m..then find the coefficient of X using Pythagoras theorem and round it up to the nearest tens. He will see a big pharmacy which is perpendicular to his right, then make an obtuse angle turn. He I’ll see the bank at a distance of about the logarithm of 7 and using four figure table to find the Anti-log. Let him feel what I felt when I was in school. This morning I heard on radio that he’s missing
35. Wife= Honey can you please help me cleaning the garden?
Husband =Do i look like a gardener?
Wife=Sorry Honey, ok then fix the bathroom door.
Husband =Do i look like a carpenter?… then the husband walks out. After coming from where he went, he found the garden clean and the door fixed
Husband =I knew my wife you can do this all by yourself
Wife= Its not Me
Husband = Who then?
Wife=John Our neighbor
Husband = How much did u paid him?
Wife= No money, he just gave 2 options, bread or s.ex
Husband = Hope u gave him bread
Wife= Do i look like bakery?
36. ***A newly married man arrived home from work looking down casted. His wife asked him, honey what is the problem? Husband. I have a problem.
Wife: You don’t say “I” when you’re married, you say “We” .You know we’re one, we share our burdens.
Husband: Okay, we have a problem.
Wife: What is it honey?
Husband: Our secretary in our office is pregnant for us!
Wife: You and who?
37. I was buying mangoes at the junction while waiting for change I saw a woman with a little child. The child was walking a bit faster than the woman and the woman shouted; “Degree wait for me”. I was so amazed hearing that name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; “ma, why do u call this child degree”? The woman laughed and said “I sent her mother to the University and this is what she brought home
38. ***Armed robber: your money or your life?
Stephen : I don’t have money and I have given my life to Christ.
Armed robber: you are mad so what can I take from you ?
Stephen : you can take away my sins
39. ***Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean?
Husband: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!
Wife: “That’s AWESOME. if you do that, I’ll also do like Mary.
Husband: what do you mean ?
Wife: I will show up pregnant, yet untouched by my husband.”
Husband: You can’t be serious
40. A woman was breastfeeding her son in her shop, a lady passing by said “you suck just like your father”.
We are still separating the fight. That is where I am since morning.
41. Toothpicks were missing in the house, then my Mother asked our maid, and she was like: it’s not me, even when I use I put them back. See a recent application letter from an applicant.
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
I refer to the recent death of the Accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead Accountant.
Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so I quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying.
Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his obituary photograph as proof of vacancy.
You can’t lie to me this time. GIVE ME THE JOB!
42. Nowadays if Niggas are not careful they will date a girl twice without knowing…
Boy : baby u look familiar
Girl : yea baby..u dated me in 2012…but I was Dark then.
43. the best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.
44. Where Did I Go Wrong My People? My wife went to the market to buy one or two things and left my 4 months old baby to the 19
years old house help. The little baby started crying, the house girl has done everything to make her stop crying , but the boy kept crying, so the girl now brought out her breast to breastfeed the baby, and immediately the breast entered his mouth he stopped crying.
As the small boy was sucking the breast, I entered and saw it, I was so angry and afraid that he could contact disease from there. I
shouted on the girl, but she told me that nothing was coming out of the breast but I didn’t believe her, she asked me to test it and I decided to suck the breast too to confirm. As I was sucking her breast, my wife came in. Upon all my explanations she refused to understand and it’s now a big problem. What can I do to convince
her it was an innocent sucking?
44. A girl had a stomach pain and visited the hospital.
Dr…What did you eat?
Girl….I ate chicken, pizza, liver and wine.
Dr …be serious this is not Facebook, if you don’t speak the truth you
Girl… Ok Dr, I ate Mangoes and beans with borehole
45. Menstruation Testimony!
During the testimony in church service; The 16-years old Pastor’s daughter stood up and said….
“Praise the Lord!”
Everybody shouted with joy, “Hallelujah”. She continued: “since the age of 13, I’ve been experiencing serious pain and bleeding every month and it was unbearable. At times it would last for 3-5 days.
But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers with brother Steve in his house, the monthly pains and blood flow have stopped for more than 3 months now. No more pain, no more bleeding. You can see I’m even getting fatter and prettier.
And I’m believing God to perfect my healing as we have started to pray seriously about the small problem of vomiting, especially in the morning. Praise the Lord”.
The whole church was silent!
Brother Steve fainted behind the piano.
The mother was like “I’M DEAD OOO”.
46. If you are in a relationship with a lady and she tells you she is keeping her body for her future husband. Don’t worry my brother just tell her that you are also saving your money for your future wife.
47. If a girl dumps you because you don’t have money and after you have made money she comes back begging My brother Forgive her promise her marriage Tell her family that you want to renovate their house Remove their roof and DISAPPEAR…
48. The most patient customers in the world are those buying condoms. They will always say “Serve him first i will wait”
49. A Police officer arrested a Man for urinating at a Clearly Marked
“DO NOT URINATE HERE” offenders would pay $50..
The Man ‘offender’ was asked to pay,
He gave the Police officer $100 note,
The police officer turned to him and said ‘Urinate’ again I don’t have change
A girl in her sleep was dreaming. She dreamt that she was engaged,
still in her sleep, she was getting married to d same lucky man. After d wedding, she became pregnant and was rushed 2 d delivery room and d nurse ask her 2 push. She pushed and delivered a baby but d nurse told her it was still remaining, she pushed and delivered d second baby, and she was told it was still remaining another baby. As she was trying to push d third baby out, her room mate shouted juliana
wakeup!…U don shit for bed.
51. Dating a girl who is not Educated is Ok until you text her “Good night babe and sweet dreams” Then she replies with “Thanks my love and may your soul rest in peace” My Brother you will not find even the tiniest of sleep that night at all.
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